Musings @ The End...

The 2010 Tour De France is in the history books and I am sure the wheels are turning already in preparation for next years epic race. I think this year will be known for 2 things. 1. The final bookend on the cycling career of one Lance Armstrong. 2. The argument over Alberto Contador's reaction to Andy Schleck's chain mishap.



Lance Armstrong came to prominance during a time when we here in North America needed a solid sports figure who could recapture our imagination much like Michael Jordan did. (Jordan won his last title in 1998. Armstrong won his first Tour in 1999.) For seven straight years there after Armstrong would wear yellow in Paris and we had new hero.

Now as his professional career fades into the setting sun the questioning has become more intense. Did he win those races legitmately? Were they a product of the many innovations that he and his support staff brought to the sport of cycling? (A team designed to give all for one single effort. Trek rising to dominance in the industry.) Were they a product of simply putting in the time, effort, and sacrifice? Did surviving cancer give him that 3 percent edge over his rivals?

I believe the next few month will reveal much and I am prepared either way. 8 Tours is a long time. I've grown up in the 10 years between his first and last tour. I have learned much about the flaws of human nature and should one of my heroes fall, I'm prepared to digest the lessons one can learn from that transition.

And as far as the chain incident...

Very interesting how a single reaction can taint a rider's reputation but in this case I think the negative opinions Contador has garnered are somewhat deserved. He could have waited or had he honestly not noticed Schleck's chain problems when they occured, he could have taken his pace back a few notches.

I've seen a lot of commentary asking what the big deal was. After all, In other forms of racing taking advantage of a fellow racers misfortune is how races are won. Not so in cycling especially in the race that defines cycling: the Tour de France. There is etiquette that demands in this race respect of fellow racers in these situations especially when it comes to the Yellow Jersey rider. It is when Lance, known for being brash and disrespectful for most of his early career, began to demonstrate that he respected this code, that he began to win over people in the European cycling community. Alberto, brilliant over the past 3 years, may have lost admirers in both fans and the peleton. You need friends in the latter to survive in a race!

I dare say the stage has been set for next year's Tour. I hope both these guys go home and bring their A game the next time around. I hope a fire has been lit in Andy's heart by his performance this year and makes it his goal to beat Alberto. I hope Alberto realizes that he needs to be on top of his game to maintain his throne in the coming year.

At any rate there are 2 solid winners of this year's Tour: 1. The Fans. 2. Specialized bikes!

In All Honesty...

I've been told time and time again that I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. And there are times when I wake up on a clear and sunny day here in Banff, and I look outside our living room window at Cascade Mountain and my breath is taken away. For the most part what has been said is true.

But even here, amidst the beauty of the Canadian Rockies, I can feel that things are temporary. There is a sense of restlessness that I feel from everyone I come into contact with including members of my family and friends. I guess we're all struggling for things... I just hope they are the right ones.

I know what I want and in a sense it is simple. I want stability. I dream of a day when my wife and I can sit in our living room and simply secure and content that things are good. I don't limit this dream to myself because I wish it for each member of my family. My sisters. My parents. I really wish that we all could be in a good place. In fact I wish that we could all be close together and truly be able to be there for each other while respecting that we all have our own lives.

I am busy these days simply maintaining the status quo. (Who knew it would feel like a battle every day!) But behind the routine and grind, my mind has been working over time thinking of what I can do to help take us there. As a believer that we live in the final stages of this journey, I know that there is a big possiblity that it is our lot to struggle for the rest of our sojourn here. But what if we're just told to work a little harder, love a little truer, and just put in more time so things get better?

I get it now. I really wish I did back then so I could have made wiser decisions, focused on the things that mattered, and fought a little harder. I realized now that I had all the proper tools. You don't have to be a genius to make it, you just needed to understand the fundamentals, and simply go out there and put in the effort. You need to work when most people call it a day and wake up a little earlier than the rest.

I've discovered that doesn't mean you'll always get the credit for your effort. At times it may seem that people that half ass it and just know how to talk a good game - make it. But this is about living with myself at the end of day and laying my head down on my pillow knowing that I did all I could to move myself and my family closer to our dream. And the good Lord does have some profound words to say in the Good Book about being diligent in all things...

Not a guru or anything like that... Not anything new or profound... Just putting out some personal truth.

So I have the tools. I have the motivation. I just need some insight into my vision. I believe you need to have a vision. A vision of where to go and how to get there. On this I am still unclear. I still stand at the crossroads and yet I know that I have to make a decision soon. The worst thing that can happen is to let your life run away from you when you could have clearly taken some precise steps in handling it. If you've found your vision... ACT UPON IT!

This is not to say that the past few years have been wasted. I would have to say that the last 5 years have been my greatest education. Without them I would not possess the insight I now have. But insight not acted upon rots.

I've rambled a bit with this one. But if you've stuck with me I hope you gain something from it. Anyway this is my mind right now. In all honesty...

1 Year Down, 100 More To Go...

I have been in the classroom of love for the past year and have learned much from marriage who has been my constant teacher.

1 year ago I took one of the biggest steps of my life and signed on to be my wife's partner for life. At that point I knew this was something very important and I tried to peer through the looking glass of past experiences and choose key markers to help me in the days to follow. Some of that helped but I must testify that there is still a large learning curve involved and sometimes all you have to guide you is your heart.

One thing I learned very early on is that this same heart needed to grow. No longer were my hopes, cares, and dreams my own but they now needed to include hers. I could no longer simply want things for myself but had to take into consideration what would make her happy too. Sometimes things that hold little value with me, mean all the world to her.

"But shouldn't you have known this before hand?"

Yes. But like faith and other spiritual matters, everything is a theory until you are called to practice it in the pinch. This past year has planted me in the arena and the starving lion on the other hand is drooling for his lunch. The first piercing truth is: in order to survive, one must fight. The second truth is: if you take a closer look, that hungry lion is a spitting image of you. Sometimes the biggest obstacle in your way to success in anything is your own pride and selfishness.

A few weeks ago I was able to take a break from work and eat lunch at home at the same time as my wife. We rushed through our meal and I was able to drive her back to work. We kissed goodbye and I drove slowly away. As I looked back to see her one last time I was surprised by what I saw. There was my wife running beside the car, her hair flying in the wind, a smile radiating from her face, her eyes dancing, and then she blew me one last kiss.

Whenever I find myself in that arena, facing the lion that even now begins to walk slowly towards me in anticipation of an end to things, I reflect back on my wife running beside my car. In that moment I see every reason why I am with her. In that moment I see every reason for me to stay. In that moment I see every reason to keep fighting.

For in that moment I see the honest and unmistakable love that my wife has for me.

I hope as one year closes and another begins, I continue to keep this image fresh in my mind. I hope that even with all the things that distract from within and without I continue to see her as being this. And most importantly... I hope that I am able to return the love she gives me in ways that she will truly feel that she is loved, protected, and cared for.



I love you darling ko! Happy Anniversary!

"Blood on the Dance Floor"

I do not do many birthday greetings on Facebook anymore. I guess I am just lazy. But after reading Lily's note on her dear friend Maj I got to thinking and the following is what I came up with:

I have a few images of Maj etched into my mind but the one that stands out to me is the scene we filmed at the graveyard for The Prodigal. I was a little worried because in order for the scene to really work Maj had to carry it. If he couldn't deliver, the scene would fall flat, and the central theme of our story would fail to be portrayed with authenticity.

I need not have worried because when the camera started rolling and Maj... (very much in character) stumbled through the rows of tombstones towards the one over his mother grave He knelt to grasp it and hug it as if by doing so he could feel her touch. The camera captured it all. The dam broke and he unleashed a wave of raw pathos into the dreary afternoon. Here was man who had suffered a great loss at a very early age and though time had passsed, the wound just would not heal.

Even the presence of his brother, (played by Addison ) who reached out with genuine concern, was of no comfort. In fact the intrusion of Addison 's character furthered the developing rift between them. That moment is captured here:

Thank you Maj for leaving your "blood on the dance floor". Your efforts help make the production of The Prodigal a success. When I reviewed the footage soon after we filmed it, I knew we had something very special and it really motivated me to see the project through.

Sometimes we may not fully understand why we have been given certain gifts instead of others. However the one thing we can be sure of is God expects us to develop them and use them.

Never back down friend. I miss you. I am proud of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

"No Fighting."

First, I just want to thank everyone who expressed concern for my Dad's well-being during his recent visit to the ER. Thankfully everything checks out and the doctors gave him a clean bill of health. He is still planning to visit Alberta this for a bit and I look forward to seeing him here.

It is at times like these that I have glad that my father made the decision to retire. To understand the impact of his choice you have to know the kind of person my father is. He is the type of individual who firmly believes in going above and beyond what is expected of him. He was (and still is) willing to take on the challenges that most people would shy away from and thereby represent the principles and institutions that he cherishes deeply.

It was not an easy decision to step of the field. But he did and while many factors played into that choice, his health was significant one. My only wish now is that those of us around him will respect his choice and allow my father to rest. He has earned it.

On another but related note...

Our house is a little emptier now with the recent departure of our housemate Yuya. He will truly be missed for his kindness, generosity, spirit, and friendship. I wish this bright young man well and I believe he truly has an amazing future ahead of him.



At his goodbye party that was held the main park in downtown area of Banff, Yuya was asked to say a few words to all his guest (mostly his co-workers). He hopped onto the bench of the picnic table where all the food for his party was and looked out onto the crowd. I don't know remember exactly what his first words were... he spoke in broken phrases underplayed by his Japanese accent... something about loving everyone there and wishing them well. But then he said...

"No fighting."

Everyone laughed at this but the weight of his words really caused me to pause and reflect. I looked around me and I noted that this large group of people, who would have never spent time with each other otherwise, was united because of this young man who didn't even speak perfect English. This made me a bit sad.

One of the things that I looked forward to when marrying a Filipina was having a chance to reconnect with my birth culture. I am very proud of my 3rd culture status (neither Filipino nor Canadian but an amalgamation of both) because I believe it grants me a special insight and perspective into dialogue across cultural lines. But I had often worried how my kids would fair as they are even further from both even in a country like Canada that believes in a mosaic of peoples that celebrate their roots.

I would want my children to see the beauty of my birth culture. I would want them to see the value of family as intepreted by Filipino's (diehard loyalty and faithfulness). I would want them to see the tenacity of a people who have been through so much in their history and how they still choose to see the joy in life and fill in it with laughter every chance they get.

But I also want them to be aware of the negatives. That very same tenacity, hardworking attitude, and will to survive often causes Filipinos to turn on each other. I find it very sad that those who know what it is like to come here and fight to gain a foothold in this country (and finally do a la landed immigrant status) can so easily turn on others who are even newer (a la those who only have a working permit) and see them as a lower and treat them as such. I say this as a naturalized Canadian who has been witness to the process. I can tell you that being Canadian does not make me any better than anyone else. If anything it grants me the ability to serve in a greater capacity rather than to be served.

"No fighting"

Yuya had it right. It grows harder, especially within today's world economy, to grasp the dream of becoming established in this country. More and more people are being denied status for one reason or another. The truth is that only together and united can people have a chance.

I know there is much I still need to learn and much of the issue is not even racial. We are all bound by the human condition. But I simply hope that some of these words will cause people to think and by thinking find the motivation to be a tool of self-less servitude to their fellow-men.


Be the change that you want to see in the world -

The Open Road Calls....

So I was able to sneak away to one of the two prominent bike stores in Canmore this week and check out some Trek and Giant road bikes. I love it when a salesperson truly seems to appear to love his/her job and the guy at Rebound Cycle (and I can't seem to remember his name) was all about the bike.

Of course in one corner of the room stood the mighty Madone all done up in Team Astana colours from the 2009 race seasons and supposedly it was one of Lance Amrstrong's machines. An autographed replica Tour De France yellow jersey was folded neatly in a picture frame sitting at the base the bike display. All very impressive but the Madone was way out of my league both in price and experience level. (I am no pro-racer).



The salesperson steered me to where a couple of Trek 2 series bikes where hanging and with one hand pulled a 2.1 off the wall and held it out at arms length. I was again impressed. This was an aluminum bike and all I've been hearing about lately is carbon carbon carbon...



He pointed out how the shaping of tubes, which truly resembled a lot of carbon layups that I have seen, was done through hydro forming (high pressure water stuff) and then he challenged me to distinguish it from a carbon racer even with weight. Having recently tested a Giant Defy Advance machine that was made out of carbon fibre I was hard pressed to feel the difference in weight and stiffness. The only thing that gave it away was the badging on the down tube that gave the fact away that this was aluminum.

"So what you have here for $1000 less then most carbon entry level bikes and thousands less then some elite machines is a perfectly capable and competitive bike. In fact if you place in beside the Madone you'll see that it has the same race geometry. It is the same bike just built in a different medium"

He handed me the machine and I set it down on the floor of the shop and ran my hand over the shiny paint

"You wanna take it out for a ride?"

5 minutes later I was spinning out of the parking lot and onto a side street. I clicked into the pedals, shifted through the gears, and in no time I was at speed. The 2.1 begs to be pushed and I could feel the smooth transfer of power from my legs to the back wheel. Things of mechanical beauty are where art, engineering, and effort are united in a singular experience... such is the 2.1.

20 years have passed since the last time I swung my leg over a true racer and experienced the thrill that has been a personal addiction ever since. Some may note that if one was to sum up the time that I actually owned and rode a bike, (including era 1 where I had my road racer and era 2 when I had my urban commuter) the span would only be about 4 years. So in reality I spent a relatively short time in the saddle and still consider myself very much a novice.

As I returned the 2.1. to the shop and thanked the salesperson for his service, I realized that even though I loved the machine, it wasn't really what I was looking for in a bike. When I owned my Specialized Sirrus the bike served as more than just a recreational vehicle, it was my main mode of transport for nearly 2 years. Once I had it in full Thomson gear, it was a bad ass urban street fighter that could take the beating of riding through the streets of downtown Toronto.

Only one other machine could come close to replacing my steed and that would be the 2010 Cannondale Bad Boy Disc. Other than slapping on some Shimano 520 SPD pedals, a centre mount cycling computer, and maybe a bottle cage or two, this bike was setup exactly how I would my former Sirrus. In fact I might even consider getting the 26' model because I could easily switch out slicks for knobbies and have a competent trail bike as well... (I am not sure they sell 26' on North American soil...).

I know Bad Boys (and yes that is really what it is called) are hard to find so I did some calling around and apparently the only shop who is willing to order one in is a bike store based out of Edmonton. But the price they quoted me was well under the price of the Trek and definitely a huge drop from the Giant. With some disciplined financial planning, this guy could be mine...

When I shared a bit of how I lost my Sirrus online, my old friend Mark Aguila, the last guy to go with me on an extended bike ride during my last days in California, related to me that he understood my pain and also the bond a man can have with a machine. How appropriate for him to be the one to share this thought because it was while riding with him and his brother Shem that I developed the love for riding during those long ago days in Clovis and Fresno.

A bond was servered and I have felt the loss ever since. It is wrong that has nagged me for the past 3 years and I think I have never let go. I need to set it right. It might seem crazy to some but it is the only thing I truly want that is material at this point in my life.

You riders understand...

Your Love is Amazing... Steady and Unchanging...

I just viewed about 2 minutes of a video posted on youtube where a gentleman was reading a letter he had written to one of my Facebook friends confessing his feelings for her. I didn't complete my viewing of the video so this isn't some play by play analysis but rather a reflection on the thoughts it initally triggered.

I think it is safe to say that we've all done our fair share to in the least breath the same air as the one we were attracted too and at the most try some thing creative to express how feel for them at one time or another in our lives. Here are my top five with 5 being the least and going all the way to number 1.

My Top Five

5. So everyone knows that the end of the school year, especially in highschool, is a sentimental time and this best known for the signing of yearbooks and such. I think it was my Freshmen year at FAA (Fresno Adventist Academy) and I had been majorly crushing on a girl ever since the 8th grade (I know a year back but a lifetime at that age.) Well there she was watching seniors graduate in a very flattering gray dress and me with a camera. I mustered the courage to ask her let me take a picture of her. To my surprise she said yes. I still have that picture somewhere in the basement of my parents house tucked away into an album.

4. During the latter part of my highschool years and into my early college years I had a "step" hair cut like most asian boys. You all know what I am talking about: long on top and shaved close on the bottom. My room mate Walter was adept at shaving designs into that short portion of hair especially at the back of my head. He did a beautiful design of a musical note once that got me a lot of attention. Well I had a crush on a girl whose name began with the letter "I" and I had him shave it on the back of my head. Needless to say it embarrassed her but she still went with me to the Valentine's Day Banquet... Of course we never spoke again afterward...

3. Everyone knows that one of the "safest" ways to express your affections for someone is through a hand written note (yes even with the existence of email!) I guess safe being you don't have to see the persons reaction in person when they read the contents of your note. I remember falling for a friend of mine throught the conversations we had that lasted into the wee hours of the morning but feeling that she was completely out of my league I didn't know if I dare confess to her how I felt. I figured I would write it all out in a note because I felt I expressed myself better on paper. I caught her as she was walking from the girls dorm and gingerly gave her the note... End result? I got the girl I didn't believe I could have...

2. During my last few years in Toronto, I commuted via my performance urban bike which I loved even more than my car. I had just gotten it and was talking to my girlfriend who lived about 65 km awayon the phone. She seemed like she was feeling down and needed some cheering up because she was stuck doing something she didn't want to do for the day. I got off the phone and looked at my bike. A few minutes later I was heading out on one of the busiest avenues in Toronto with a sentimental card tucked into my waterproof backpack... After battling winds, cars, and even rain I had made it to my girlfriends front door and tucked the card into the mail slot. I turned around had headed back home. In all I rode about 200 km that day. But it was all worth it when I heard her smile on the phone that evening.

1. My new girlfriend and I had just started dating and I was living in Red Deer, Alberta and she was living in Banff about a 3 hour drive away. I had not told my parents yet for fear that they would disapprove of us getting together so quickly. I usually went to visit her on the weekends but this particular weekend for some reason or another I couldn't make it out to see her. So I was driving home from attending church by myself when my cell phone rang and it was her. She excitedly told me that she was on her way to see me and she would be in town soon. We spent a wonderful afternoon with my my parents where we told them that we were officially together and then she left for Banff late. She had to work the next day as well.

Conclusion

In the grand scheme of things my number 1 isn't something out of the ordinary or particularly creative. In fact it isn't even something I did. It was something Tess did. She went out of her way to show me that she really was interested in being with me. In fact it was something she did to show me that she truly loved me.

I was forever doing things to show the girls that I had fallen for through dramatic gestures that I liked them. There are more I could list but I won't. In end every single one ended up with someone else and I would be left trying to make sense of my loss.

Tess was the one woman who, once she decided that she loved me, gave 110% to our relationship and she hasen't stopped since. One thing I am secure in is that my wife loves me and that is a pretty amazing place to be.